I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
