I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
