I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
