I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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