I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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