Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
