they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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