Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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