dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
