the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
