I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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