Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
