Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
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im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
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She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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