His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
