yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
