I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
