Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
