So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
