Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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