two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
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Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
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Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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