You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
