We won't sleep together?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
