There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
They are going to name an STD after you.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
