just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
