my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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