One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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