i think i have herpe
just one?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
