were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
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Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
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I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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