Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
