fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
