I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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