did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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