those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I am mentally ready for anal.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
