I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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