Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
