apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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