I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
it hurts more in the daytime
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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