Your face is a jimmy john
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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