this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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