How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
last night I used snow as a chaser
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
