but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
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Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just want to make out with him forever
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
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Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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