I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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