so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
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That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
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We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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