Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
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Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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