My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
