I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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