Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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