I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
