Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
4 words: hood of his car
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
