I can text with my tongue
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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