Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
it's like iHOP with fire
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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