Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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