I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
