a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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