last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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