Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night