Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
