and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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