A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You can't motorboat a personality
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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